photo of a turtle underwater
Photo by Belle Co on
I  am fairly certain that it has been well over a year since I have written anything here.
Most of what was posted was sharing my older content to come full circle to the present.
Im not sure if that is still my intent or if I’d rather start were I am.
 That’s what I do in my present life to get more from it. Most of me would like to forget the unsavoriness of my past.  I am told that if I choose to do that, then there is no reward or silver lining for anyone else. 
For example, I have learned alot from others who have shared their past experiences with me and I really think those insights and support helped me pull through.
I would certainly never want to deny anyone else that.
The fact is: Our words dont need to be eloquent. Truth is recognized for what it is. Sometimes it is just a few lines or a word at the right time that triggers a series of thoughts in the reader that reminds them of what they already knew and needed to revisit.

Unrealistic Expectations

I haven’t posted or written for quite some time. I have had some pretty interesting experiences that would be interesting even to others. So, why can’t I write about these experiences?

It’s a paradox for sure. When the good, the bad and the ugly is all happening at once. There is rarely a chance to write.

Currently, I am sitting in the living room of my new apartment. The one that was going to make everything better. That was going to make it worth downsizing and moving from a house which I almost owned.

The one that was going to be our  ‘forever home”. The one that would enable me to never have to move, again. The one that would soothe “little me’s “fears and allow that wounded kid to heal and grow up.

A memory of smart ass previously adolescent me is sounding off in my head; “I ate my inner child”, tasted like corn-nuts!” (A response to a former therapist)

Any way back to the present. In my living room. The neighbors overhead sound like they have a bowling alley upstairs! I hear their kid constantly. The mother in me wanting to tell the younger mother to get off her stoned ass and feed that kid some food and some attention!

All of my unrealistic expectations come into view, in focus: I realize the for what they are and I have to redirect my thinking before it gets too dark and morose.

There is still plenty of good here. Plenty on the positive side. The views are pretty decent. I generally have to go outside to get the best of them and avoid tripping over others’ unattended to dog shit. Both literally and figuratively.

I am reminded of a line from one of my favorite books and movies: “If you wake up at a different time, in a different place, can you wake up as a different person? -Chuck Palahniuk

Apparently so. I have gone from the laid back, mind my business, let people do what they do type of person. To out of nowhere being the persnickety old woman. Full of judgement and condescension.

This is mostly a note to self. A call for me not to be”that”. For me not to think a person, a place or a thing is the remedy to all that ails me.

Besides, dinner is almost ready. Everything will be okay, after we this perfect dinner that I’ve prepared! (Noted sarcasm and laughing at myself)

Not my best writing for sure. Just an attempt to get back in the habit.



Am I Your “Friend” or Just Your Selected Audience?

Am I your friend or am I just a part of your selected audience?

It’s an honest question. One which I am almost certain I will never ask you. I’m not sure I will want to know the answer. Perhaps I already do. It is quite conceivable I know this because we are alike in that way. Maybe this is the closest either of us can get to forming friendships.

It is probable that our similar experiences shaped us both into a version of the very ones that caused us so much torment. The constant comparisons of our tormentors to ourselves and in trying to be the opposite of everything they were led to very rebellious years, in a search to be “not them”, I AM DIFFERENT, I WILL NEVER BE……LIKE…..AT LEAST I DON’T…..

All the while never truly searching for who am I,besides what I Am Not?

If those persons: the abusers or tormentors were our baseline from which all experiences were shaped- how can we unknow all that was, there will always be some comparison to them.

It is true we are kindred in that respect and those afflictions.

Are we forever to be comparing all relations as to when they will leave, when they will strike, when they will…..

Does that obsession ever leave or is it only quieted ?

I cant be mad at you for your perceptions that are so much like my own. That you strike first, just in case. Maybe, you run and isolate to yourself instead. I can’t take that as a personal rejection. We are too alike and I feel you.

All the same. You are you and I am me. Physically this is true. You have your own separate vessel to manipulate the physical realm and so do I.

It’s a shame that most of the time its caught up believing that IT, is all that needs attention. That there is some magic substance or therapy or a set of prescribed meticulous actions to make the individual biochemical encasement we inhabit look, think, feel- ACT RIGHT.

I AM, that’s all there is to it. No need for suffering, its only an option. All inspiration porn, feel good, feel bad flogging, self improvement, self, self, self.. blah,blah,blah wont change IT.

It’s busy work while the substitute teacher is here. The real instruction comes when our real teacher is back.

Please don’t infer that I am saying it is all meaningless. Maybe some of it is being sorted out. If its just one of many journeys and IF we are all basically full of shit, why not chose for it to be some sunnier shit? Doing so isn’t denying the pain that was already experienced, there are no gold stars presented for enduring the most shit.


An Entry from August 2016

August 18th, 2016 6:51:24 AM

I have been researching some pretty interesting stuff! It’s actually where I left off years, ago. I am laughing that I got a complex over some of it coming in to the mainstream media. When that is very natural progression of the thing and if anything: the fact that it made it to the mainstream says that memes are in fact a part of our genetic makeup. The same theories that point to that being a factor of some higher engineering, also.

It’s too early starting out to logically map it and I did learn from my past not get completely worn out and burnt out before getting done what society seems to require of me.

Back to my hurt ego trip thing, it’s pretty funny and not. I wanted to hurriedly finish my formal education in an effort not only to learn but so that I would have the paper that said I was qualified to make such an observation and hypothesis.

It’s funny now, because the whole scientific principles behind it dictate that people believe see, think and feel: what they want to, that we are all related and that each of us is a unit of the source. It’s nothing new. It is only that I had broken it down and backed it up with the science and some mathematics.

There was a huge part of me that was wanting it known and in part was saying “Now do you love me, now, am I worthy to you? Will you, now, stop speaking to me like I am worthless? Stop the condescending tone and laughing at me? “

A few days into that thinking, I started to dismantle my fake life. I tried re-engineering it and there was such a resistance from my false beliefs, the strong connection and ties to my family and friends and partner(s).

It spanned over 20 Years, then to some parts that were 3-5 years apart:

I wanted to be with the one from my past that I felt could grasp and comprehend some parts, if not all of these theories. That ONE who could see that it pointed to a higher power, a source, an engineer. Not, just someone who wouldn’t just count it up to me being crazy. He knew and didn’t care.

I can’t say if it was that week or the following. But, he appeared out of nowhere. Following my then partner and I, on foot from my ex-husband’s house where I had just smoked him out because he was depressed and always easier to contend with in that  altered state.

My then partner said, I think that truck is following us. I told him he was right but, that I did not sense a threat. I sensed that whomever it was, was just curious.

It turns out it was the very person I had been thinking of almost obsessively. He came back to the house and I think we shared a beer or (30 of them?)

We rehashed old times and explained just who this person was in relation to me. This was not a former boyfriend this was my best friend growing up. We had always found each other without having each other’s phone numbers or addresses. Before the internet and mobile phones and all of that. When these things did become available we still utilized the old way.

It sounds fantastic, I know. It’s true. The thing is that has happened every few years or as needed. The last time, it was when I was getting cleaned up and sober, I was in treatment and had between 7 and 11 days sober. He appeared after calling the home phone, to find our new exact location.

He had almost gave up on looking, when he went by our former address and realized that we had moved. It wasn’t part of my pattern to move that soon after he had been gone only a year. He never made inside our last house.  (Not to my knowledge, anyway) He would’ve liked it.

The last time we were together, we were officially together. He started telling me that he would like to settle down and that he wanted us to finally get married. I took this as offensive in a way, even though that would’ve seemed ideal. I know him and I know me and I know neither of us wants to settle down!

I felt like he was using lines on me that he used with his chicken heads, and save-a-hoe projects! Not all women just want some guy to save her and make her a paycheck and all that. So, I leveled the playing field and said: “ok, let’s go down to the court-house tomorrow. It will be a 3 day wait and then we can marry after I get out of treatment on Friday(?)”

I was worried when he didn’t just hightail it out of there right then! I know we were both sincere in the if it were possible for me to stay committed, give you what you need and allow you to love me, I would want to be with you! In other words: if we weren’t so fucked up, I’d be with you forever!

There is love there. Love/Hate that it isn’t possible to live out in a “normal” life. But, it’s a blessing that there is that love. It is a blessing that there is more love than hate and that neither of us wants to cause harm to the other.(Most of the time?) That, we both realize that we might not be good for each other, so much so, we would be bad for others, together!

I have matured spiritually and emotionally as well. I have had someone in mind for almost 3 years. I care enough not to interfere or try to make it happen before it’s time. Before I am more healed. I haven’t had any real desire to be with my best friend or anyone else, since I met him. I am open to there not ever being a “time”. Maybe, it won’t come to fruition in that way.I enjoy that I am fascinated by someone seemingly healthier and that helps others and is a polar opposite. He is a willing participant in life and tends to not indulge in misery for too long.

I like my non-committal life for the most part. I have committed only to my Creator(God, Higher Power) my kids, pets and my little piece of the earth and nurturing them.

I wont escape the obvious that the other person I think about is more a figment of my imagination. To be with the real deal would probably let me down, in reality. I have a pretty creative mind. I’ve found that most relationships are this way. The other person is to us, just what we expect them to be. We can’t see anything beyond that.

So, maybe since I have that inside edge, it’s taken the mystery out of it. Maybe there has to be someone really specific to make you shatter their dream of them and trade it for the real deal. If you are aware of this part of relations. For now, the dream will do.

I have been more openly honest about my belief on love. I have expressed that I have mostly known only appropriation and mistaken it for love. Entanglement. I often tell myself that I am only in love with the idea of certain people and that this is how they are in relation to me. That the people I have been with have wanted to own me, be me or were only in love with the idea of me.

I’m not so sure that isn’t the case. If it is all just a simulation then, it might as well be a good one. It might as well consist of the kind and joyful moments, that impacts more lives positively.

Look at all that I have amassed that I thought I might need! My stuff has been owning me for a while now. I lost the people in this physical realm and I tried to substitute their stuff for them. Some proof that they even existed. Some proof that at one time I was loved. Something to fill the void. Creator allowed me to have it. I affirmed that abundance was everywhere and so it is.

Now, I LAUGH AND CRY ALMOST TO HYSTERICS AT TIME! Pondering just how real that theory is. I’m not ungrateful for my stuff. I just know that I don’t need the majority of it and as always. We feel we used up our wishes on the wrong thing.

I’ve learned the lessons I have needed to from that stuff, dropping in to my lap. I have also learned that you can start over. It’s not over until it’s over. I can take those lessons with me everywhere. It’s not like you crack open a pistachio, eat the nut then keep the shell so you know you really did eat that nut!

Okay, maybe I did that a few times. But, I’m clean and sober now and you get what I’m saying, right ? No need to save the shells.

Initial Expectations

If I start this as low-key as possible. You will automatically expect less of me. This should make it much easier to dazzle you with my literary prowess, in the future.

Provided I don’t lose you as a reader, due to a lack of interest or general boredom.

Or maybe, nothing personal, even. Maybe, you’re similar to me in that, you choose not to allow your mind to focus on any one thing at anytime.

Maybe, it isn’t so much a choice, as it is a habit and chemical imbalance.

One doesn’t necessarily negate the other.